The Heart Grows Fonder...

...The more you learn about the object of your affection. Well, not always, but for a mutual love to grow into a meaningful relationship, you have to cultivate it with attention, communication, and sacrifice.

I'm on fire with my relationship with God!  Through prayer and meditation, He has given me the desire to do good works in His name.  Through the grace of God, my worldly desires don't seem as strong and my will to treat others kindly forefront in my daily actions.  You can try to do goodness based on your desire, but it's a truer vocation when it comes from God.

If you strive to be good without God, you are the one disappointed when the fruits of that labor do not always materialize.  When the desire to do good comes from God because of one's closeness to Him, it doesn't matter if kindness is reciprocated because the act of kindness given to please God itself brings joy!

Don't get me wrong...I still catch my old ways slipping through (I really hate being interrupted when I'm in the middle of a project - but that's my job, dealing the public), but now I am immediately aware of it and change my attitude so that I don't make people feel uncomfortable.

With God, all things are possible!

Many Moments Have Come and Gone...

...And I'm still here, alive and kicking.  As I unwind from a long, long day, I reflect on the changes in my life that have occurred since my last post in late 2013. The biggest is that I have a new granddaughter who is 14 months old.  Her smile  and glee when greeting me as I walk in the door is the best feeling in the world to me right now.

She and her brother make me feel valuable and important!  Since they live with their family in my home...I'm blessed to see them every day!

God bless my grandchildren, each and very one: Lauren, Nathan, Roman, Maxon, Josiah & Ember, my treasures on Earth!

I'm feeling warm...

and cared for.

http://reflexshons.blogspot.com/ ♥

It's the little things...

In life that make it worthwhile.  Honestly, I hate, hate, hate commercials!  But every once in a while, one really resonates with me...like the current Sprint commericals featuring Zombie.  I'm not one of those freaks that is getting ready for the zompocolypse, and have never been a zombie fan, but Sprint Zombie cracks me up.

Some of my family just don't get it, but it makes them laugh when I crack up every time he loses his ear - especially the Sprint girl's gaze as she follows the appendage to the ground and then back up to Zombie's face, all with no movement except her eyes! Hahahah, I'm cracking up now!

So, keep them coming Sprint and let me wrap, as Zombie says, my "delicious brain" around the cleverness of your marketing game plan...Laura Spencer and Matthew Patrick Davis, meet your newest fan...Thank you for bringing the 30 second break out of the hate zone into the cool, cool-cool-cool zone!

It's Me Time...

And I'm not feeling guilty about it!  Seems I've grown and understand more of why I do the things I do and how to deal.

My kids and a certain sis are not going to like this journey because they are used to having me pick up the slack and not letting them suffer consequences, but in the end it will be better all around.  By addressing my co-dependence, I can focus on my needs instead of building resentment and acting on that, which is always ugly and only adds to the problem because i end of feeling guilty and giving others power over me.

So, no I will not rush at the end of my work day and stress about picking up my grandson in time when Mommie M is only a block or two away and not doing anything but browsing the web.  I will take 1 hour after work to take advantage of the gym at work to wind down and focus on my goal to lose some unhealthy weight.  And gripe all you want, I'm not doing or expecting anything unreasonable.

And, yes, daughter R...you are an adult and I shouldn't be all in your business all the time...so as an adult you can give me $100 bucks a month to cover your cell phone bill and car insurance! Even though you aren't making much, you can afford $100 instead of just spending all your money as you please to go out and enjoy yourself, while I cover all essential living expenses.

Sister dear, I love you...but I will not take from my family to support yours on a regular basis because you are not fiscally responsible.  I would gladly help in times of real need, but you cannot spend your money unwisely and expect me to cover your needs when you inevidably fall short each month.

I'm grateful for this insight because in the long run an emotionally healthy me benefits everyone I come in contact with...kids, you will enjoy the new me...eventually...lol.

Some days....

I feel so grateful that the clock runs faster than normal.

When I look up and find it's 11:45am, expecting to see 9:30am - I smile.  The experience repeats itself throughout the day. During the work day, the seconds are good to me.  The fast ticking clock is my friend and savior in times of crisis.  But it is not my only weapon.

A healthy outlook, in the making, when dealing with criticism is the other.  The art is to step back and embrace the helpful remarks, discarding the unjust personal attacks that only serve to fulfill the attacker's sense of power. Two quotes come to mind, one perspective and the other strength and perserverence (because criticism is a part of life that cannot be escaped).

"All good criticism should be judged the way art is. You shouldn't read it the way you read history or science." ~Leslie Fiedler

 “To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” ~Aristotle

Developing this takes time, so until I have it mastered, that big, fast-ticking clock is a cherished friend.

I've made it...

to 2013!  This past year has been a doozy for sure...the loss of beloved family members and my health is starting to really worry me; economy hit me this year more than any other, finally felt the recession; children growing up and making their own decisions that I have no influence on any more .  It's been tough, but I've made it through to a new year with new resolutions.

My mother and aunt passed early 2012.  I miss them so much and with their passing, my mortality has been brought to the foreground.  I'm, at times, scared...I'm seeing more people my age pass away or seriously ill...heart attacks, strokes...I'm seeing my ability to get around deteriorate daily...my knees are so bad, it's hard for me to get up from the floor or walk first thing in the morning.  I seriously have to lose weight just for my health's sake.  It's funny how the scales turn...the need to look good has taken a very backseat to my health.

Finances...I seem to be going backwards! Each year, I seem to bring home less from my paycheck than the year before!  I'm slipping into proverty...will it get any better this year? I hope so.

I've been disappointed in the decisions my two youngest children have made...I tried to set good life examples, but that is not enough.  I realize that now.  Peers and society will influence their decision making if parents are not more involved in the everyday lifes of their children.  Hindsight...doens't do me any good now. 

But I have hope, faith, and love.  Thank you, mom, for passing these things to me.  I can't wait to see you again...well, I can wait...but I look forward to seeing you and Tina...Dad, Amber, Anthony...when it's time. 

I thank the Lord for each and every day my eyes open!  Thank you for hearing my prayers Lord.  Help me to focus on living a healthier lifestyle so I can live long enough to see all my children settled and happy and for me to develop loving relationships with all of my grandkids.  I want them to know and miss me when I am gone! I know I can accomplish this goal with your help and guidance. I'm so grateful for your presence in my life...the sinner in me feels such graditude, I cannot adequately express this in words.

Even though I'm worried about the choices my children are making...I know it is a part of growing up and becoming independent.  I just pray bad habits do not become lifelong...but I have sparks of hope when my youngest expresses her love for me even if we do not agree on certain things or when my 3rd born passes yet another test towards her nursing career...these are milestones that I can be proud of more than worry because she despised school through 12th grade.

It's all a work in progress, and I have much to be thankful for and happy about!

I'm so glad...

...I have a little one to come home to...he was a very bright light shinning through what turned out to be a pretty cloudy day! Hugs and kisses from him lifted my spirits tremendously. How can anyone stay down when a grandchild smiles at you as if you are the best part of their day!

It isn't me...

it's you! This thought was validated today when I received an apology at work.  I've been feeling persecuted lately, but turns out all the facts were not known at the time I was cautioned about giving out wrong information. 

It's nice to know that my superior knows it wasn't my fault and an eye opener to find out that I'm just being a little too sensitive. Although, it would be nice to be able to communicate all the facts rather than feeling your feedback is not welcome during those types of situations.

But, untimately, I am very grateful that I was vindicated. 

One of my...

biggest vices is the lack of patience.  I so take after my dad in this area. He would fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. 

My dad was so critical of his children, and for me that now translates into defensive behavior whenever critized.  No one likes to be critized, but constructive critisim is good.  It's just that I hate it, and my initial reaction is one of responding in kind or finding an excuse to explain away my actions.

For example, one of my sisters annoys me often.  She has problems with impulse control.  Whatever she feels like saying or doing, she does.  It's nothing shameful, but rather embarrassing behaviors.  She digs through the trash 24/7 no matter where she is...in a fast food restaurant, at a gas station, at a carnival or fair, etc. for recyclables.  She tells her life story to strangers, like the grocery store cashier, oblivious to the long line behind her and the fact that the cashier is not interested in things like her need to be back at the store today because she forgot to buy toliet paper when she was there earlier and then explaining how long the average package lasts and how frequently she has to purchase it.

Along with impulse control issues, she always complains of being tired, offering up her fatigue as an excuse as to why she can't do this or that.  Recently, I needed notarized signatures of all my siblings relating to an insurance claim, but when I went to pick her up at 11 a.m., she explained that she was exhausted and could not possibly go with us until later in the afternoon. However, when I said, "That's ok.  We'll pick you up after we have lunch."  She said, "Oh, where are you going for lunch?" I answered, "Does it matter? You are too tired to go with us." 

Although this sister has a big heart for people in need, she also gets under my skin often with her inappropriate actions and disregard for other people's time. But why did I get so annoyed at such a small thing? Why did I have to respond with a sarcastic remark? She called me on it and laughed it off.  However, I think I was annoyed because she didn't value my needs and I was short on patience that morning from other things occuring in my life that week.

So I took a moment tonight to reflect on this incident and realized that it served no purpose to be rude to my sister.  Although I was initially annoyed, I could have shrugged it off and used it to my advantage.  She could have gone to lunch with us and since she was out for lunch, just taken her to the notary along with my 3 other sisters, saving me a separate trip to get her later. 

So I'm praying for patience, practicing situations and intial responses, and reminding myself to take a moment to relax my mind and body before reacting to anything I perceive as negative that happens to me...just a little moment is all it will take.

Gotta look...

for opportunities to turn adversity into benefit. There's always a benefit to all the trials we go through; sometimes the benefits do not directly affect us, but they are always there.

When my mother and my aunt passed away earlier this year, I struggled with the grief. I miss them so much...but their passing ignited my faith, which started slowly and now has engulfed me.  I am confident that they are still with me and living life abundantly in the hereafter. Someday I will join them, not too soon, but someday. :)

My back went out in May and I wasn't able to go back to work until mid-July.  Although in a great deal of pain, I was able to appreciate the value of purpose with my job. I went back with a purpose, a goal to do the best I could with a better attitude.

However, another slight blow to my pride, was, upon my return, a change in the environment...although phased as "a way to optimize our resourses rather than taking on other's responsibilities," I understand what's really going on...a reduction in responsibility because while I was out, my coworker was unable to perform basic clerical duties that she should be comfortable with after years on the job. I accept partial blame because I tried to teach her but lacked follow up to make sure she understood, but in all fairness, she has often exhibited forgetfullness as well.

And I have challenges at home.  My oldest offspring is very independent and stubborn when it comes to respecting my expectations.  However, is also very dependent on me when it comes to responsibilities. She wants to be treated as an adult, but does not want all the responsibilities that come with maturity.

So I step back and reflect...and come to the realization that these challenges are opportunities for growth. No one trained me on my work duties...yes, I did get training on how the department worked, but my technical abilities and problem solving skills are achieved through hard work and research done on my own. My transactions are documented so anyone coming into the middle of one can easily track what has been done with little wasted effort. So, I can look positively at my current situation and say that my talents will better shine now that my coworker and I report to the same person as equals.  It is a good thing for our supervisor to see first hand all that I did on my own without the need for micro-direction or constant supervision. And I am content because my values are greater than just my job...I get great satisfaction from my job, but my spiritually is what is startint to really sustain me.

And I will need that deep spirituality to sustain me through the challenge of my children.  My oldest daughter, in particular,....mocks my faith as ridiculous.  But I've come to the conclusion that I don't have to bow to her desires at the peril of my own salvation or because she has no respect for me.  I don't have to be apologetic for enforcing my values in the home because it is my home, I support all in it and I have a right to instill certain rules without being disrespected and ridiculed.  And I don't need to feel guilty or ashamed either. I just need to be firm in my expectations and explain that when she can afford to support herself and live on her own, she will set the rules in her house, but in my home, I set the rules.

I'm growing and I'm learning to value myself through all these trials.  I need to be true to myself and that is what I am learning through all the opportunities desguised as challenges. :) I'm going to turn them around to my advantage. I'm going to continue to grow and not give up.

I remember...

one late evening, long after I had been asleep when I was awaken by a gentle touch and presented with a spoonful of peanut butter...my mother must have felt I needed the protein, but I don't remember that particular night going to bed hungry; although there were many nights when I did.

Maybe it was a special treat for doing something extraordinary...I did risk my life by jumping in the sea near a rock pier from which my sister has fallen from, saving her from drowning.  Maybe she was showing her gratefulness for that act...an act that was without thought but driven my the terror in my sister's wide eyes just beneath the surface of the water. Maybe my midnight treat was just that...a way to show her gratitude for saving my sister.

I also remember many letters filled with $1 or $2 from my Auntie Tina over the span of my youth.  When I was older, Aunt Tina became a solid figure in my life as I was ultimately the one who cared for her in her later years. Although sometimes a burden to make time to visit her regularly while she was in a nursing home, it was also my desire to do so because I always placed myself in her shoes...confined to what little stimulation nursing homes can afford...my visits meant the world to her and to me.  She gave my life purpose and meaning...often her smiles and gratitude filled me with such joy, it's hard to explain.

Sadly, my dear mother passed away on January 9th of this year and my beloved auntie not two months later on March 10th.  I miss them dearly...mourn them daily...but so very grateful out of all the millions of people, God handed me over to be blest as a part of their family.  My sweet memories may at some point fill the hole that has been left in my life with their passing...but they don't come close at the moment. Someday...

My mother...

passed away unexpectantly on the evening of January 9, 2012. I am truely at a loss for words, for none can adequately express my feelings. Filled to the brim with feelings that beg for escape, I am unable to comply.

How does one convey the celestial inner beauty of another? Beauty of which others took for granted and did not come into focus until the one that posessed it was gone. The humble, sacrificing, content and happy person that did not receive adequate recognition in her earthly life now shines brighter than any sun.

So, what can I make of this "moment" in my life that brings benefit or gratefulness? Life. My mother's passing has brought into view the parts of me that I want to improve. The need to let go of all pettiness and resentments. In reflection, my mother's virtues became crystal clear. I never, even once, heard her utter in gossip a negative word about anyone. Even with her many challenges, her friends and coworkers would never have guessed what she was going through as they only ever saw her as helpful and ALWAYS with a smile on her face. She was a hard worker and never complained. (I'm not referring to normal complaints about our dirty bedrooms or bad behavior here.) Well, the only thing she ever said (with a chuckle) that was close to a complaint about her lot in life was, "Why do you kids all take after your father in temperment...why couldn't you take after me?"

Thank you Mom. I'm sorry that I took you for granted, and I love you for not holding it against me. You were always there for me, and I'm so grateful for the lessons you taught me, and still teach me even now, and for your unconditional love. Until we meet again, Mom, I love you now and forever! Pray for me.

Another Fine Day...

at the office. I think I've finally learned my place. At least I hope I have. Through the forces of cosmic inconsistancies and conflicting directives, there is one thing that is true: I am of little consequence in the grand scheme of things. I am not free from fault, I know, but I am trying, every day, to do a good job. I need to step back and focus on the entire picture.

So in this moment, in this time of emotional crisis...I am thankful for the challenge. I am thankful for the strength God has given me to persever. The harder the lesson, the greater the reward when one suceeds in facing obstacles and not giving up...no matter how long it takes.

When I was a...

young teen, walking where ever it was we had to be, my Mom asked me to pick up a penny we came across. I told her, "It's only a penny!" To which she replied, "Oh, mija, there have been many times when you were younger where all I was missing was one or two pennies and couldn't get what I needed for you girls. You don't know how that made me feel. Please pick it up."

My appreciation for the penny was forever changed. Sometimes, when I just don't feel like picking one up, it's a burden. But mainly, like today, those pennies just remind me of my mom and how much she sacrificed for her children.

I love you, Mom!

Isn't it the truth...

That we who believe in Christ focus on Him more when we are struggling? And struggling I am with many things...lack of money compounded with spiraling expenses for one. And that's a big one. With the recent challenge of having to repair my car, it has been necessary to take the bus, walk, and just today, ride a bike to and from work for the past two weeks.
So why am I not depressed? Because my moments to focus on the blessings through this trial these past couple of weeks have outweighed the burdens.

• I've reconnected with Jesus, and have developed a new hunger for the Word.
• Daily exercise, and an appreciation of how very much I needed it!
• A growing calmness in meeting my challenges, which extend beyond just a lack of money.
• A deeper appreciation of the suffering of others and what a small gesture of kindness or acknowlegement means to them.

I'm growing, but it's a lot of work in progress!

Still here...

just a little frazzeled lately. Work, work, work...work, work, work. I'm so grateful that I have a job to complain about! Lol...I am grateful about that, but what I've realized lately is that I really need balance in my life. Too much focus on my job is not healthy...the reason for me doing so is not healthy and me doing so is not healthy.

So, I think I'll take the time to enjoy the view outside, look into my grandson's eyes and tell him what a joy he is to me, listen to my heart, smile to coworkers, talk to God, notice my friends, and relax.

Yeah, I'm going to take a moment...several times a day.

It's really hard...

when you attach yourself to someone or something. You give up a little freedom when you care deeply, keenly aware of changes that threaten your peace - held captive by restless thoughts.

When I was told that my oldest daughter was pregnant, I did not realize just how much that little person would change my life. I love all my grandchildren, but this one is at a disadvantage.

My daughter loves her child, but she is yet a child herself, not ready for the responsibility of raising a child and all that it entails. And throughout the past 3 years, it's been a struggle because on one hand, I don't want my grandchild to miss out on what he deserves. But, on the other hand, I don't want to be a doormat to my daughter, which is really what has happened.

In my struggle to make things right, my daughter has responded with a decision to move out on her own. I think this is the best thing for her; however, I know it is not in my grandchild's best interest...and I'll leave it at that.

Housing, food, utilities, transporation, child care, etc. are very expensive in our area and for someone who has never taken responsibility seriously, she will have a huge adjustment to make. Add that stress to the fact that she has nevered worked and will need to find a job while going to college for the first time, plus the stress of dealing with a very strong-willed child, and you've got the recipe for a bad situation all around.

It's going to be a fierce struggle, and she will "sink or die," so to speak. But I think she will learn a very valuable life lesson either way and grow to understand just how much work it takes to be a responsible adult.

In the meantime, I'm very grateful today that my daughter has agreed to allow me to help her with her child in a very important way. Thank God, and today I say a prayer of thanksgiving and relief.

I opened my eyes today...

and my room was still clean! I smiled and thought, "It's gonna be a good day." And you know what? It was!

My room is the gathering room when I'm at work. The computer is in there, I have the biggest TV, and my bed is comfy. Usually, I come home and find stuff on and under the bed, baby juice spills on my TV stand, cups and plates and mess, mess, mess!

Hopefully, my room is still nice...I spent a whole day cleaning it this weekend, and I want it to stay that way...it's nice to wake up to a clean room, don't cha think?

Ahhh, but no matter what...clean or messy, I'm just grateful for the people in my life because without them, I'd be very lonely.

Little surprises...

always catch me just at the right moment! No gas for my car--luckily work is within a mile of my home; fridge low on food once again and payday still 4 days away--invites from family to come to dinner arrive just at the right time; tired but wake up in time for work every day...yes, I'm blessed.

But the greatest surprise this week came during a mandatory employee meeting at work. You know, one of those meetings you dread going to because you are so busy and have to take valuable time away from your duties to listen to boring content that has to be presented...well, just happens employees were being recognized for years of service in five year increments. I've worked at my job for 25 years and I got a $250 gift card! I wanted to cry in gratitude!!!!

God loves me...even tho i don't deserve it! He's awesome! And my employer ain't too shabby either!