I've made it...

to 2013!  This past year has been a doozy for sure...the loss of beloved family members and my health is starting to really worry me; economy hit me this year more than any other, finally felt the recession; children growing up and making their own decisions that I have no influence on any more .  It's been tough, but I've made it through to a new year with new resolutions.

My mother and aunt passed early 2012.  I miss them so much and with their passing, my mortality has been brought to the foreground.  I'm, at times, scared...I'm seeing more people my age pass away or seriously ill...heart attacks, strokes...I'm seeing my ability to get around deteriorate daily...my knees are so bad, it's hard for me to get up from the floor or walk first thing in the morning.  I seriously have to lose weight just for my health's sake.  It's funny how the scales turn...the need to look good has taken a very backseat to my health.

Finances...I seem to be going backwards! Each year, I seem to bring home less from my paycheck than the year before!  I'm slipping into proverty...will it get any better this year? I hope so.

I've been disappointed in the decisions my two youngest children have made...I tried to set good life examples, but that is not enough.  I realize that now.  Peers and society will influence their decision making if parents are not more involved in the everyday lifes of their children.  Hindsight...doens't do me any good now. 

But I have hope, faith, and love.  Thank you, mom, for passing these things to me.  I can't wait to see you again...well, I can wait...but I look forward to seeing you and Tina...Dad, Amber, Anthony...when it's time. 

I thank the Lord for each and every day my eyes open!  Thank you for hearing my prayers Lord.  Help me to focus on living a healthier lifestyle so I can live long enough to see all my children settled and happy and for me to develop loving relationships with all of my grandkids.  I want them to know and miss me when I am gone! I know I can accomplish this goal with your help and guidance. I'm so grateful for your presence in my life...the sinner in me feels such graditude, I cannot adequately express this in words.

Even though I'm worried about the choices my children are making...I know it is a part of growing up and becoming independent.  I just pray bad habits do not become lifelong...but I have sparks of hope when my youngest expresses her love for me even if we do not agree on certain things or when my 3rd born passes yet another test towards her nursing career...these are milestones that I can be proud of more than worry because she despised school through 12th grade.

It's all a work in progress, and I have much to be thankful for and happy about!

It's really hard...

when you attach yourself to someone or something. You give up a little freedom when you care deeply, keenly aware of changes that threaten your peace - held captive by restless thoughts.

When I was told that my oldest daughter was pregnant, I did not realize just how much that little person would change my life. I love all my grandchildren, but this one is at a disadvantage.

My daughter loves her child, but she is yet a child herself, not ready for the responsibility of raising a child and all that it entails. And throughout the past 3 years, it's been a struggle because on one hand, I don't want my grandchild to miss out on what he deserves. But, on the other hand, I don't want to be a doormat to my daughter, which is really what has happened.

In my struggle to make things right, my daughter has responded with a decision to move out on her own. I think this is the best thing for her; however, I know it is not in my grandchild's best interest...and I'll leave it at that.

Housing, food, utilities, transporation, child care, etc. are very expensive in our area and for someone who has never taken responsibility seriously, she will have a huge adjustment to make. Add that stress to the fact that she has nevered worked and will need to find a job while going to college for the first time, plus the stress of dealing with a very strong-willed child, and you've got the recipe for a bad situation all around.

It's going to be a fierce struggle, and she will "sink or die," so to speak. But I think she will learn a very valuable life lesson either way and grow to understand just how much work it takes to be a responsible adult.

In the meantime, I'm very grateful today that my daughter has agreed to allow me to help her with her child in a very important way. Thank God, and today I say a prayer of thanksgiving and relief.