It's Me Time...

And I'm not feeling guilty about it!  Seems I've grown and understand more of why I do the things I do and how to deal.

My kids and a certain sis are not going to like this journey because they are used to having me pick up the slack and not letting them suffer consequences, but in the end it will be better all around.  By addressing my co-dependence, I can focus on my needs instead of building resentment and acting on that, which is always ugly and only adds to the problem because i end of feeling guilty and giving others power over me.

So, no I will not rush at the end of my work day and stress about picking up my grandson in time when Mommie M is only a block or two away and not doing anything but browsing the web.  I will take 1 hour after work to take advantage of the gym at work to wind down and focus on my goal to lose some unhealthy weight.  And gripe all you want, I'm not doing or expecting anything unreasonable.

And, yes, daughter R...you are an adult and I shouldn't be all in your business all the time...so as an adult you can give me $100 bucks a month to cover your cell phone bill and car insurance! Even though you aren't making much, you can afford $100 instead of just spending all your money as you please to go out and enjoy yourself, while I cover all essential living expenses.

Sister dear, I love you...but I will not take from my family to support yours on a regular basis because you are not fiscally responsible.  I would gladly help in times of real need, but you cannot spend your money unwisely and expect me to cover your needs when you inevidably fall short each month.

I'm grateful for this insight because in the long run an emotionally healthy me benefits everyone I come in contact with...kids, you will enjoy the new me...eventually...lol.

Some days....

I feel so grateful that the clock runs faster than normal.

When I look up and find it's 11:45am, expecting to see 9:30am - I smile.  The experience repeats itself throughout the day. During the work day, the seconds are good to me.  The fast ticking clock is my friend and savior in times of crisis.  But it is not my only weapon.

A healthy outlook, in the making, when dealing with criticism is the other.  The art is to step back and embrace the helpful remarks, discarding the unjust personal attacks that only serve to fulfill the attacker's sense of power. Two quotes come to mind, one perspective and the other strength and perserverence (because criticism is a part of life that cannot be escaped).

"All good criticism should be judged the way art is. You shouldn't read it the way you read history or science." ~Leslie Fiedler

 “To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” ~Aristotle

Developing this takes time, so until I have it mastered, that big, fast-ticking clock is a cherished friend.

I've made it...

to 2013!  This past year has been a doozy for sure...the loss of beloved family members and my health is starting to really worry me; economy hit me this year more than any other, finally felt the recession; children growing up and making their own decisions that I have no influence on any more .  It's been tough, but I've made it through to a new year with new resolutions.

My mother and aunt passed early 2012.  I miss them so much and with their passing, my mortality has been brought to the foreground.  I'm, at times, scared...I'm seeing more people my age pass away or seriously ill...heart attacks, strokes...I'm seeing my ability to get around deteriorate daily...my knees are so bad, it's hard for me to get up from the floor or walk first thing in the morning.  I seriously have to lose weight just for my health's sake.  It's funny how the scales turn...the need to look good has taken a very backseat to my health.

Finances...I seem to be going backwards! Each year, I seem to bring home less from my paycheck than the year before!  I'm slipping into proverty...will it get any better this year? I hope so.

I've been disappointed in the decisions my two youngest children have made...I tried to set good life examples, but that is not enough.  I realize that now.  Peers and society will influence their decision making if parents are not more involved in the everyday lifes of their children.  Hindsight...doens't do me any good now. 

But I have hope, faith, and love.  Thank you, mom, for passing these things to me.  I can't wait to see you again...well, I can wait...but I look forward to seeing you and Tina...Dad, Amber, Anthony...when it's time. 

I thank the Lord for each and every day my eyes open!  Thank you for hearing my prayers Lord.  Help me to focus on living a healthier lifestyle so I can live long enough to see all my children settled and happy and for me to develop loving relationships with all of my grandkids.  I want them to know and miss me when I am gone! I know I can accomplish this goal with your help and guidance. I'm so grateful for your presence in my life...the sinner in me feels such graditude, I cannot adequately express this in words.

Even though I'm worried about the choices my children are making...I know it is a part of growing up and becoming independent.  I just pray bad habits do not become lifelong...but I have sparks of hope when my youngest expresses her love for me even if we do not agree on certain things or when my 3rd born passes yet another test towards her nursing career...these are milestones that I can be proud of more than worry because she despised school through 12th grade.

It's all a work in progress, and I have much to be thankful for and happy about!

I'm so glad...

...I have a little one to come home to...he was a very bright light shinning through what turned out to be a pretty cloudy day! Hugs and kisses from him lifted my spirits tremendously. How can anyone stay down when a grandchild smiles at you as if you are the best part of their day!

It isn't me...

it's you! This thought was validated today when I received an apology at work.  I've been feeling persecuted lately, but turns out all the facts were not known at the time I was cautioned about giving out wrong information. 

It's nice to know that my superior knows it wasn't my fault and an eye opener to find out that I'm just being a little too sensitive. Although, it would be nice to be able to communicate all the facts rather than feeling your feedback is not welcome during those types of situations.

But, untimately, I am very grateful that I was vindicated. 

One of my...

biggest vices is the lack of patience.  I so take after my dad in this area. He would fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. 

My dad was so critical of his children, and for me that now translates into defensive behavior whenever critized.  No one likes to be critized, but constructive critisim is good.  It's just that I hate it, and my initial reaction is one of responding in kind or finding an excuse to explain away my actions.

For example, one of my sisters annoys me often.  She has problems with impulse control.  Whatever she feels like saying or doing, she does.  It's nothing shameful, but rather embarrassing behaviors.  She digs through the trash 24/7 no matter where she is...in a fast food restaurant, at a gas station, at a carnival or fair, etc. for recyclables.  She tells her life story to strangers, like the grocery store cashier, oblivious to the long line behind her and the fact that the cashier is not interested in things like her need to be back at the store today because she forgot to buy toliet paper when she was there earlier and then explaining how long the average package lasts and how frequently she has to purchase it.

Along with impulse control issues, she always complains of being tired, offering up her fatigue as an excuse as to why she can't do this or that.  Recently, I needed notarized signatures of all my siblings relating to an insurance claim, but when I went to pick her up at 11 a.m., she explained that she was exhausted and could not possibly go with us until later in the afternoon. However, when I said, "That's ok.  We'll pick you up after we have lunch."  She said, "Oh, where are you going for lunch?" I answered, "Does it matter? You are too tired to go with us." 

Although this sister has a big heart for people in need, she also gets under my skin often with her inappropriate actions and disregard for other people's time. But why did I get so annoyed at such a small thing? Why did I have to respond with a sarcastic remark? She called me on it and laughed it off.  However, I think I was annoyed because she didn't value my needs and I was short on patience that morning from other things occuring in my life that week.

So I took a moment tonight to reflect on this incident and realized that it served no purpose to be rude to my sister.  Although I was initially annoyed, I could have shrugged it off and used it to my advantage.  She could have gone to lunch with us and since she was out for lunch, just taken her to the notary along with my 3 other sisters, saving me a separate trip to get her later. 

So I'm praying for patience, practicing situations and intial responses, and reminding myself to take a moment to relax my mind and body before reacting to anything I perceive as negative that happens to me...just a little moment is all it will take.

Gotta look...

for opportunities to turn adversity into benefit. There's always a benefit to all the trials we go through; sometimes the benefits do not directly affect us, but they are always there.

When my mother and my aunt passed away earlier this year, I struggled with the grief. I miss them so much...but their passing ignited my faith, which started slowly and now has engulfed me.  I am confident that they are still with me and living life abundantly in the hereafter. Someday I will join them, not too soon, but someday. :)

My back went out in May and I wasn't able to go back to work until mid-July.  Although in a great deal of pain, I was able to appreciate the value of purpose with my job. I went back with a purpose, a goal to do the best I could with a better attitude.

However, another slight blow to my pride, was, upon my return, a change in the environment...although phased as "a way to optimize our resourses rather than taking on other's responsibilities," I understand what's really going on...a reduction in responsibility because while I was out, my coworker was unable to perform basic clerical duties that she should be comfortable with after years on the job. I accept partial blame because I tried to teach her but lacked follow up to make sure she understood, but in all fairness, she has often exhibited forgetfullness as well.

And I have challenges at home.  My oldest offspring is very independent and stubborn when it comes to respecting my expectations.  However, is also very dependent on me when it comes to responsibilities. She wants to be treated as an adult, but does not want all the responsibilities that come with maturity.

So I step back and reflect...and come to the realization that these challenges are opportunities for growth. No one trained me on my work duties...yes, I did get training on how the department worked, but my technical abilities and problem solving skills are achieved through hard work and research done on my own. My transactions are documented so anyone coming into the middle of one can easily track what has been done with little wasted effort. So, I can look positively at my current situation and say that my talents will better shine now that my coworker and I report to the same person as equals.  It is a good thing for our supervisor to see first hand all that I did on my own without the need for micro-direction or constant supervision. And I am content because my values are greater than just my job...I get great satisfaction from my job, but my spiritually is what is startint to really sustain me.

And I will need that deep spirituality to sustain me through the challenge of my children.  My oldest daughter, in particular,....mocks my faith as ridiculous.  But I've come to the conclusion that I don't have to bow to her desires at the peril of my own salvation or because she has no respect for me.  I don't have to be apologetic for enforcing my values in the home because it is my home, I support all in it and I have a right to instill certain rules without being disrespected and ridiculed.  And I don't need to feel guilty or ashamed either. I just need to be firm in my expectations and explain that when she can afford to support herself and live on her own, she will set the rules in her house, but in my home, I set the rules.

I'm growing and I'm learning to value myself through all these trials.  I need to be true to myself and that is what I am learning through all the opportunities desguised as challenges. :) I'm going to turn them around to my advantage. I'm going to continue to grow and not give up.