I remember...

one late evening, long after I had been asleep when I was awaken by a gentle touch and presented with a spoonful of peanut butter...my mother must have felt I needed the protein, but I don't remember that particular night going to bed hungry; although there were many nights when I did.

Maybe it was a special treat for doing something extraordinary...I did risk my life by jumping in the sea near a rock pier from which my sister has fallen from, saving her from drowning.  Maybe she was showing her gratefulness for that act...an act that was without thought but driven my the terror in my sister's wide eyes just beneath the surface of the water. Maybe my midnight treat was just that...a way to show her gratitude for saving my sister.

I also remember many letters filled with $1 or $2 from my Auntie Tina over the span of my youth.  When I was older, Aunt Tina became a solid figure in my life as I was ultimately the one who cared for her in her later years. Although sometimes a burden to make time to visit her regularly while she was in a nursing home, it was also my desire to do so because I always placed myself in her shoes...confined to what little stimulation nursing homes can afford...my visits meant the world to her and to me.  She gave my life purpose and meaning...often her smiles and gratitude filled me with such joy, it's hard to explain.

Sadly, my dear mother passed away on January 9th of this year and my beloved auntie not two months later on March 10th.  I miss them dearly...mourn them daily...but so very grateful out of all the millions of people, God handed me over to be blest as a part of their family.  My sweet memories may at some point fill the hole that has been left in my life with their passing...but they don't come close at the moment. Someday...

My mother...

passed away unexpectantly on the evening of January 9, 2012. I am truely at a loss for words, for none can adequately express my feelings. Filled to the brim with feelings that beg for escape, I am unable to comply.

How does one convey the celestial inner beauty of another? Beauty of which others took for granted and did not come into focus until the one that posessed it was gone. The humble, sacrificing, content and happy person that did not receive adequate recognition in her earthly life now shines brighter than any sun.

So, what can I make of this "moment" in my life that brings benefit or gratefulness? Life. My mother's passing has brought into view the parts of me that I want to improve. The need to let go of all pettiness and resentments. In reflection, my mother's virtues became crystal clear. I never, even once, heard her utter in gossip a negative word about anyone. Even with her many challenges, her friends and coworkers would never have guessed what she was going through as they only ever saw her as helpful and ALWAYS with a smile on her face. She was a hard worker and never complained. (I'm not referring to normal complaints about our dirty bedrooms or bad behavior here.) Well, the only thing she ever said (with a chuckle) that was close to a complaint about her lot in life was, "Why do you kids all take after your father in temperment...why couldn't you take after me?"

Thank you Mom. I'm sorry that I took you for granted, and I love you for not holding it against me. You were always there for me, and I'm so grateful for the lessons you taught me, and still teach me even now, and for your unconditional love. Until we meet again, Mom, I love you now and forever! Pray for me.

Another Fine Day...

at the office. I think I've finally learned my place. At least I hope I have. Through the forces of cosmic inconsistancies and conflicting directives, there is one thing that is true: I am of little consequence in the grand scheme of things. I am not free from fault, I know, but I am trying, every day, to do a good job. I need to step back and focus on the entire picture.

So in this moment, in this time of emotional crisis...I am thankful for the challenge. I am thankful for the strength God has given me to persever. The harder the lesson, the greater the reward when one suceeds in facing obstacles and not giving up...no matter how long it takes.

When I was a...

young teen, walking where ever it was we had to be, my Mom asked me to pick up a penny we came across. I told her, "It's only a penny!" To which she replied, "Oh, mija, there have been many times when you were younger where all I was missing was one or two pennies and couldn't get what I needed for you girls. You don't know how that made me feel. Please pick it up."

My appreciation for the penny was forever changed. Sometimes, when I just don't feel like picking one up, it's a burden. But mainly, like today, those pennies just remind me of my mom and how much she sacrificed for her children.

I love you, Mom!

Isn't it the truth...

That we who believe in Christ focus on Him more when we are struggling? And struggling I am with many things...lack of money compounded with spiraling expenses for one. And that's a big one. With the recent challenge of having to repair my car, it has been necessary to take the bus, walk, and just today, ride a bike to and from work for the past two weeks.
So why am I not depressed? Because my moments to focus on the blessings through this trial these past couple of weeks have outweighed the burdens.

• I've reconnected with Jesus, and have developed a new hunger for the Word.
• Daily exercise, and an appreciation of how very much I needed it!
• A growing calmness in meeting my challenges, which extend beyond just a lack of money.
• A deeper appreciation of the suffering of others and what a small gesture of kindness or acknowlegement means to them.

I'm growing, but it's a lot of work in progress!

Still here...

just a little frazzeled lately. Work, work, work...work, work, work. I'm so grateful that I have a job to complain about! Lol...I am grateful about that, but what I've realized lately is that I really need balance in my life. Too much focus on my job is not healthy...the reason for me doing so is not healthy and me doing so is not healthy.

So, I think I'll take the time to enjoy the view outside, look into my grandson's eyes and tell him what a joy he is to me, listen to my heart, smile to coworkers, talk to God, notice my friends, and relax.

Yeah, I'm going to take a moment...several times a day.

It's really hard...

when you attach yourself to someone or something. You give up a little freedom when you care deeply, keenly aware of changes that threaten your peace - held captive by restless thoughts.

When I was told that my oldest daughter was pregnant, I did not realize just how much that little person would change my life. I love all my grandchildren, but this one is at a disadvantage.

My daughter loves her child, but she is yet a child herself, not ready for the responsibility of raising a child and all that it entails. And throughout the past 3 years, it's been a struggle because on one hand, I don't want my grandchild to miss out on what he deserves. But, on the other hand, I don't want to be a doormat to my daughter, which is really what has happened.

In my struggle to make things right, my daughter has responded with a decision to move out on her own. I think this is the best thing for her; however, I know it is not in my grandchild's best interest...and I'll leave it at that.

Housing, food, utilities, transporation, child care, etc. are very expensive in our area and for someone who has never taken responsibility seriously, she will have a huge adjustment to make. Add that stress to the fact that she has nevered worked and will need to find a job while going to college for the first time, plus the stress of dealing with a very strong-willed child, and you've got the recipe for a bad situation all around.

It's going to be a fierce struggle, and she will "sink or die," so to speak. But I think she will learn a very valuable life lesson either way and grow to understand just how much work it takes to be a responsible adult.

In the meantime, I'm very grateful today that my daughter has agreed to allow me to help her with her child in a very important way. Thank God, and today I say a prayer of thanksgiving and relief.